THE AMAZING TINSKY "CLOUDBURST" PIPE
|Mark Tinsky has
given me the honor and his special permission to announce the introduction
of a brand new pipe shape along with a completely new material that seems
to be superior to traditional pipe-making materials, such as briar, clay,
meerschaum, olivewood, porcelain, cherrywood, pipestone, bubinga, and
so on. It is his unique and "final answer" to the controversy of so-called "dead
root" briar and the
"raindrop" shape. It is called The Tinsky "Cloudburst" Pipe.
This is a brand new style of pipe that comes in amorphous, undefined, and obscure shapes parallel to that of the infinite variability of cloud formations. The visual effect is so dramatic and stunning that it has been compared to the altered perceptions caused by ingesting LSD. The innovative aforementioned pipe-smoking material is made from newly discovered "Ultra-Dead" ancient, paleolithic, fully petrified and rock-hard Manzanita briar burls recently uncovered in the Badlands of South Dakota, a site noted for dinosaurs and other fossils. This is a variation of briar that is not merely a few hundred years old. It is hundreds of thousands of years old. Early smoking experiments have shown that this material, when heated, imparts a hauntingly rich and yet familiar flavor to tobacco that is reminiscent of...chicken.
The "Cloudburst" is specifically designed to prevent any and all wet smoking in that the thoroughly dry, rock-hard material absorbs all moisture and then immediately expels all moisture through its highly porous walls. No more gurgles, nasty backwash, or otherwise wet smokes. This cascade of moisture moving directly through the walls of the bowl is what Mark refers to as the "Cloudburst Effect", and he says that, with the smoke being cured of all moisture, the smoke itself is so wonderfully dry that it actually shrivels the tongue. Rags are provided with each pipe to help with the continuous wiping of the outside of the bowl. Mark also generously provides a gross of towelettes with each pipe to wash one's hands of tobacco residue after each smoke. Without the moisture, the smoke produced by these pipes provides more pure tobacco flavor than any other brand on the market. The Tinsky "Cloudburst" pipes are carved personally by Mark using his custom-made, recently patented hammer and chisel. These are tools that he says are destined to revolutionize pipe making.
Mark reports that the only drawback to the pipes is that, due to being petrified, they tend to be fairly heavy. Acting on the advice of his attorney, he recommends smoking them while wearing steel-toed boots. For an additional $100, Mark will supply his customers with a specially fitted neck brace so that the smoker can avoid muscle fatigue and trips to the chiropractor. With the rags, the towelettes, and the neck brace, it can be safely said that no pipe maker has ever shown customers more consideration and kindness.
Having seen the prototypes of these amazing "Cloudburst" pipes, I can enthusiastically report that they are a tribute and a testimony to Mark's great pipe-making skills. After seeing them, I felt like I had actually witnessed prehistory in the making.--Fred Hanna (with shriveled tongue planted firmly in cheek)